The week before, Lauren and I stopped at a -nice- Sunglass place at the Hollywood/Highland shopping center, and did the obligatory ‘imitate the picture’ thing, so we decided to get some sunglasses here.
We stop at a sunglass …booth? store? Shanty. The proprietor informs us that they are $5 each. I engage in a real lame low-level haggle (”How about two for eight.”) He <i>thinks</i> ”They’re not even worth $1.” He <b>says</b> “Okay.” We spend the next fifteen minutes discovering how awful most of his glasses are. We settle on a pair each (a pair of pairs?) Lauren asks if I want to see mine in the mirror and I tell her it doesn’t matter.
Apparently, I’m big on oaths these days, so I swear that I will try something new. I will never look at my reflection while wearing the glasses. Lauren is pretty even keeled even when I break out unnecessary strangeness, but it makes sense. Maybe I look awful, maybe I look great. If I don’t know, I’ll never think about it, and for $4, I’m considering them temporary, and I don’t want to get attached.
The proprietor, however, does.
The proprietor (Shanty-owner sounds so wrong) turns and asks Lauren, in very stilted English “Is he your boyfriend?”
I love dusting off my Spanish skills. I took two years of Spanish like ten years ago, so I feel pretty fluent. My vocabulary is about one-hundred words deep, unless you count my very strong ability to slap an ‘el’ in front of some words, and tag the end with an “a” or an “o”, in which case my vocabulary jumps up to the thousands.
(Un)fortunately the core one hundred are of questionable practicality, as they include useless gems like “Los Alucinogenos” (The Hallucinogens) and “Despegar.” (To Take Off, as in a plane). I don’t find myself having many conversations with international LSD drug runners so I run out of talk pretty quickly. I long for the day someone holds out some LSD and asks if I know what it is, and what they should do with it.
Back to the store owner. El proprietero.
I tell him, in no uncertain terms. “Ella es mi amiga.” He asks why she isn’t my girlfriend, which is interesting, and maybe even a compliment. Lauren has been beautiful since MC Hammer still had money, so the fact that he assumes that it’s <b>me</b> that’s not into <b>her</b>, is nice. Had he responded “Doesn’t surprise me” I would have to reevaluate myself. Or buy some cooler glasses.
Anyway, I’m so confused by the question that I don’t think to use two percent of my vocabulary which is a shame, because it would’ve been perfect.
EL PROPRIETERO: Why isn’t she your girlfriend?
EL PHILIPO : The Hallucinogens. Take off.
Instead, I try to give a real answer. Only, with my lingual uncertainty, I give each word the upward intonation indicating that I have no real idea what I’m saying. Nearly each word becomes a question.
“Ella? tienen? Un …otra? novia?”
What I <b>want</b> to say: She has a boyfriend.
What I <b>really</b> say: She? They have? An other? Girlfriend?
This doesn’t faze our friend at all and he asks something else. This time I try to say that she is like a sister to me, but I end up conveying either
A. Her boyfriend is my brother or
B. She is my sister, and she has a girlfriend.
It’s tough to say because my Spanish, no? es? bueno?
Regardless, he is satisfied with the situation, identifies himself, without irony (sin el irony-o) as “Romeo” and asks for her name. She gives it to him and because I’m an idiot, and I think it’s still “Fun with Spanish” starring Phil, Lauren, and Romeo, I turn and offer MY name. He looked at me like I was el idioto.
The hit show “Sell these crap glasses” had ended and the new show “Try to Seduce Phil’s Friend” starring Lauren and Romeo was in full swing. I say something else that might have been just gibberish and he turns to me and says “Just use English.”
I smile, say “igualmente” and we part company with Romeo and move on to the rest of the GD.
tagging: people that probably speak spanish, and people that commented earlier.