There’s some stuff, when you see it, that you know it’s cool.
Someone sends you a youtube video: In it, you see an old woman, cleaning her house. She suddenly gets short of breath, collapses to the ground, unmoving. Out of nowhere, her pet cat pounces onto her and, hard to believe, starts breathing into her mouth.
Impossibly, after a few seconds, the cat walks over to her chest, and does heart palpitations, then back to the breathing. After a few minutes grandma coughs, gets up, and goes back to cleaning. You don’t have to be told. That pussy <b>absolutely</b> kicks ass.
On the other hand, there’s some stuff that is only relatively impressive. In a vacuum, it’s sort of boring. If you have a friend with a job other than porn star, musician, or professional wrestler, then you know what I’m talking about. Your grad school friends.
FRIEND: Using edelfosine we were able to alter the hetergenous nature of cell membrane lipid rafts, we changed the composition and as such rafts don’t form, and the pma1p proteins are displaced.
YOU: Oh. Uh… Cool.
FRIEND: It’s never been done before.
YOU: That’s unfortunate.
(At this point your friend realizes you don’t give a damn, don’t understand, and are about to walk away so (if they are good) they dumb it down)
FRIEND: Well, we basically cured cancer.
YOU: Oh. Why the f@#k didn’t you just say that to begin with?
The point is, there are things that are only relatively impressive, and the Olympics need to fix this. If someone has to tell you that something is impressive, then it isn’t. Not absolutely.
Pole Vaulting is impressive. If you give me a pole, and a year, I will do nothing but rip off my testicles, and puncture my sternum. Probably simultaneously.
The high beams are impressive. I would just dangle and sway. It would be oddly soothing for me, but not impressive, for you, the viewer.
Olympic Swimming is the NASCAR of Olympic events. I know they are going fast, and that their form is impressive. But they are ALL going fast. Like Donnie, I have no frame of reference. So it just looks like people swimming together. Have you ever seen footage of the space shuttle, while it was in orbit? Did you know that it is moving at 18,000 miles an hour? Yeah. Looks about as fast as evolution. But at least we have winners in swimming.
Except, winning by a second is not absolutely impressive. I know it, intellectually, but visually if you put 10 collegiate swimmers and put them on TV, it’ll look the same to me. Sure the times will be different, but I don’t feel a 14 second lap any more or less than I feel a 20 second lap.
(To say nothing of the fact that, unless you are a swimming enthusiast, chances are every single time you’ve seen people swimming, it’s been Olympic swimming, or close to it.)
Fortunately, London, I have a solution for you in 2012.
Reference Swimmers.
Lanes 1-5, Olympic Hopefuls.
Lane 6, random collegiate swimmer.
Lane 7, Olympic performer, but another sport. (say) equestrian. or shotput.
Lane 8, fan picked at random.
The pleasure I would get from “Ralph from Kentucky” in lane 8, kicking, sputtering, and wearing baggy swim trunks and (hopefully) water wings, as he posts a time fully four minutes behind everyone else would be immeasurable. The awkward commentary (“That’s…just…awful.”) as we waited for him to finally just give up, and climb out, halfway through. God forbid they have to send in a lifeguard.
The Olympics would take four times as long, but I would watch every single heat.
*Thanks to Monica for the Science stuff.