Dear Male Friends, you AREN’T gonna believe this.

I was reminded recently, that I should periodically make my eyebrows look less like

and more like

This is where it gets crazy, fellas.

The process by which they do this is exactly what you would think, if you were broken inside.

What happens is a lady, mine was Iranian, but I don’t think they all are. Anyway, the Iranian takes a chunk of wax and heats it until it is molten. Yes, the same word you use for lava. “Liquified by heat.”

So, when this substance is so hot, and its molecules are so accelerated that its physical structure has no choice but to break down and turn into a -liquid-, they spread this molten liquid on your face (The same word you use for face).

The plan is that, separated from the source of heat, the molecules of the molten wax will slow down, and turn back into a solid. The neat trick is that the solid now incorporates anything that was mixed into the molten substance. Including the hair on your face.

“But wait, how will you separate the once-molten now un-molten wax from the follicles on your face?” That’s the catch. You don’t. You see, your hair isn’t just sitting on your face, willy-nilly (a word no one uses for anything except effect), it is actually -planted- there. Like trees or plants or the Jimmy Fallon show.

The weird thing about that is that The Roots are deep in your epidermis, so they just pull on the hardened wax until it comes off, with the roots. Anyway, what you probably didn’t know, is sometimes the Iranian lady will leave the wax on too long and it just sets your face on fire. You will feel this on your pillow all night long as you try to sleep, but can’t because your flesh has been seared.

If you tell this to any female you know, they’ll yawn and say “Oh you got a burn” as if it was the time of day, and not fully respecting the fact that someone set your face on fire.

Girls are crazy, right?

Side note: Did you know if you google chinese footbinding (which everyone agrees is horrific, including people in the photo above), you can either read painful stories of trauma OR buy shoes at 82% off?

That, too, ladies and gentlemen, is ineffective branding.



One thought on “My Girliest Injury is Rather Badass (or… Inefficient Branding)

  1. Remember that time you and your brother and I were carrying that heavy table. We dropped it and the impact of one of the legs hitting my big toe caused a small explosion of blood. I laughed because it was so surreal , totally kill bill stuff!!

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