• Skip this one, it’s just whining about a head cold. UGH I’M SICK. Not in the head. I don’t know if it says more about you that you may have thought I meant “in the head” or more about me that I thought you might have thought “in the head” so I instantly jumped to clear up that potential ambiguity. Probably, when someone says “I’m […] 4 min read February 18, 2013
  • Secrecy starts off endearing. And then a misplaced metaphor. There are two scenes in “Beasts of the Southern Wild” where the protagonist Hushpuppy (Quvenzhané Wallis), whispers into the ear of an adult.  If you’d asked me before what I felt about kid-whispers, I wouldn’t have had a response. But after seeing this movie I find that I -do- have a response: Kid-whispering is effing […] 3 min read January 14, 2013
  • I’m getting ripped. I’ve been working out. I looked at the mirror yesterday and thought to myself “Man, this working out is really working out for me. I’m already pretty ripped.” I believed my excitement was both Justin Timberlake and Timothy Olyphant because I got a gym membership last week, and have been to the gym at least […] 4 min read January 12, 2013
  • On Old Vaginas. As it turns out, my life is kinda predictable so I don’t always have stuff to write about. Luckily my friend (who I’ll call “Chili” for the sake of anonymity) has a far more vibrant life than mine. This is a portion of a larger conversation we had on Facebook. Thanks Facebook. Maybe this is […] 4 min read January 10, 2013
  • I tried to save the day but mostly was a waterboy. While faxing a document (after I churned some butter and worked my abacus for this anachronistic trifecta), I heard screeching tires then a LOUD CRUNCH. I looked up and saw a car finish the tail end of a 180 degree (tail?) spin, after having been nearly t-boned. Then… nothing. No sirens. No ambulances. No screams. […] 5 min read January 8, 2013
  • Sunsets and Sherbet   I’m in a coffee shop, as I often am, trying to figure out something or another, as I rarely do, when a voice says: “Hey, check out the sunset you guys!” Jarred, I look up to see if I’m being played with. I’m not. Because the sun was setting, as it does every single […] 3 min read January 8, 2013
  • Crying is Weird. The trailer for the new Terrence Malick movie made my eyes water. After I spent a few minutes thinking about how weird relationships are I spent a few minutes thinking about how weird crying is. Not weird in a “Man I’m too f@#king tough to cry.” That’s not what I mean. I don’t think there’s […] 4 min read January 7, 2013
  • Sometimes I defend the homeless. Passive aggressively. (Passive Defensively?) While waiting in line for a Q&A last night I had the extreme misfortune of standing next to a stranger who wanted to talk to me. I’m not anti-people, I’m just anti-somepeople. It’s not a big deal, you just don’t know which is which until you’re already person deep into the interaction. One of the […] 6 min read January 5, 2013